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October 20, 2004
Swimmer Formal
Alright, since so many people have asked abuot my night at swimmer formal, I shall relate some of the memorable experiences. (And by memorable, I actually mean the few things I DO remember).
So, the night started out at 3 pm, (and yes, I do realize that 3 pm classifies as the afternoon, but since this is my blog, I shall alter time conventions as I see fit and amusing). The guy across the hall and I started drinking a few beers, which was a wonderful choice, since it constituted what would turn out to be a pre-pre-party. Now, as we all know, having more than one pre-party is actually not a smart thing to do...but we didn't really care, so we continued.
An hour later or so we ended up at Kotex palace, which is our currently unexplained name for one of the residence houses for some upperclassmen. There, I was introduced to what would be a life-changing substance. It goes by the name of "Jungle Juice". Now, for those of you that don't know what "Jungle Juice" is, well...I can't really help you there. I know it has hawaiian punch, and I know it has everclear, which makes it not only strong, but tasty. Coming from a Danish family with a mixture of pretty much every northern European country somewhere, my genetic coding has made me MASSIVELY susceptible to alcohol. Needless to say, I was hammered within half an hour, and that started the night off wonderfully.
After picking up our dates, we went to dinner at a semi-fancy restaurant. The problem with semi-fancy restaurants is that, because they AREN'T fancy, they lower the lights ridiculously so that you can't see the craptacularness of the decor. Following with this stereotype, imagine a REALLY drunk guy wandering through a bunch of circular tables with about 40 other guys and girls ranging from slight inebriated to just about as drunk as I was. Then imagine a really complicated series of hallways leading to a big backroom where we got to eat. Got the picture? Yup, that was my dinner place. That, and three bottles of Mad Dog being passed around.
So now we get to some random facts about my night. Number one, we did the Daler Mindy dance to Tulak Tulak Tun, which all humans should experience at least once, just for the experience of an Arabic Mosh pit. Yes, I did say Arabic Mosh pit. I wish I had this on video, but sadly none of us would have been in any shape to figure out the buttons.
Shortly after the Arabic mosh pit, I apparently got into a fight with somebody...I'm not sure what about, but I did get bodyslammed twice, leading to momentary unconsciousness that WASN'T alcohol-induced. Hooray! After this, I guess I went crawling to the kitchen for water.
Even later, we went to a party at Patterson's, which had a keg. The biggest problem with my being drunk is that the more alcohol I consume, the more I want. So I got good and trashed, then decided to walk home. On the way out, I encountered many police, and freaked out and ran to the back of the house to warn my teammates. To give an example of how completely I was fucked up, none of my teammates actually understood what I said, except for the word "polices" repeated multiple times.
Upon actually starting to walk home, I got lost (big surprise there, eh?) and asked everyone I found if they could direct me home. Even WITH directions, I still got lost, so I moved to my plan B. (I swear to you, this made sense at the time.) I, in my infinite liquid wisdom, decided to call all of the numbers on my phone to see if anyone knew where I was. Needless to say, it didn't work...but I did wake up the next morning in my own bed, so all's well that end's well, right?
I realize that this rendition isn't all that amusing...but now no one can say I didn't tell them about my night. Touche, oh demanding critics!
Posted by larry at 08:58 PM | Comments (2)
October 19, 2004
Quantum Cafe
So I found myself watching a strange educational series with my roommate and a few guys on the team the other day. It concerned, among other things, String theory...which is, for the slightly less informed, a bizarre school of thought stating that all things are made from small strands of pure energy that vibrate in many different ways, thus creating the myriad materials of our happy little (big) universe. These strings, although somewhat irrelevant in practicality, would help scientists to unify the forces of Quantum Mechanics (Electromagnetism, Strong Nuclear, and Weak Nuclear) with that of Gravity. Sounds fun, eh?
Well, as I watched this Monty-Python inspired segment of information, we got to a point where the host entered a place called the "Quantum Cafe". After stating that it's a place where people can walk through walls and parallel universes periodically spawn from all events, he tried to order orange juice. The bartender (as I choose to call her, although I don't think mixing Quantum theory with alcohol is at ALL a good idea) responded by saying "I'll try", because apparently nothing in Quantum Mechanics is certain...it's all a bunch of hideously calculated probabilities. I can't even begin to explain how much this makes my head hurt.
Anyway, there are three segments to this string theory educational session, and I saw the second one a few days later. It was no less bizarre, although it did fail to visit the Quantum Cafe again. The third segment, however, was playing while I was sleeping. Upon waking due to a loud noise, I heard the narrator say "It would be just like living inside a piece of bread". How screwed up can theories get? I mean, how would it be like living inside bread? Would everyone get their own little air pocket, or would leftover yeast be planets or something?
As a result of learning about String Theory, I have come to the conclusion that engineers and physics majors are justifiably, but completely, insane. Dealing with a description of reality where nothing is even remotely certain has warped their brains completely, leaving them in a permanently altered reality where Penguins seem to rule unconditionally and unchallenged. It's almost universal, actually...that Linux penguin is going to take over the world before we know it, and then we'll all have to watch penguins racing down snowy slopes instead of baseball. How does one pick a penguin to cheer for, in that case? Yessir, I think we're going to be in for a nasty shock when those penguins take over the world.
"Hey guys...? Whose pants are these?"
-my roommate, after finding a pair of pants outside our door the morning after Swimmer Formal.
Posted by larry at 10:17 PM | Comments (6)
October 08, 2004
Care Package!
Someone really needs to send me a care package. Everyone else on the team has gotten at least one, and I'm still sitting here without fresh baked cookies to munch on! I had to befriend the girls' floors just to get homemade foods and such...and the price exacted is my periodic watching of chick flicks, and listening to their boyfriend problems. The movies aren't that bad, but I swear that some of them must be slightly retarded to be dating the guys they are.
There was a bacon incident at breakfast this morning. One of the guys on the team got his stuff moved, and he flipped out. He poured milk all over another teammate's bacon, which was evil because the guy LOVES bacon. So, the ruined bacon's owner stole the moved guy's bacon, and then the moved guy threw orange juice at the now-not-so-ruined-bacon owner.
DON'T RUIN BACON WITH MILK! IT BRINGS THE WRATH OF THE PORCINE GODS OF FEEDING! GAH!
Posted by larry at 12:41 PM | Comments (38)
October 03, 2004
Arkansas
I went to Arkansas over the weekend for a Bikes, Blues, and BBQ festival. I realized that biking is truly a hobby for the wholly white trash in our society. I've never seen so many semi-exposed buttocks peeking through crotchless leather chaps in my life, nor have I seen so many mothers trying desperately to relive their younger days of promiscuity. That, and the ground NEVER stopped shaking. It was incredible...I don't think there was ever a full minute without someone revving a non-mufflered motorcycle to amuse the drooling throngs lining their parade ground (ie: a street with chalk lines). It was probably the strangest thing I've ever experienced.
Another random fact about the Fayetteville festival: I ate a turkey leg. I think that they have dual uses. First, you eat it for nourishment. Second, you use the leftover bone to beat the people near you to steal THEIR food. Then steal their bones as well after you eat their food, and eventually you'll have a mass of turkey bones fit to rule the world. All hail the mighty Turkey Leg!
While in Fayetteville, I chatted with some of the freshmen about the second 10 commandments of Rolla. Little did the Bible know, but Moses actually took a pilgrimage to Rolla in his later years to create a special code for them to live by. It concerns The Ratio, that wonderful fact that determines that every 1 girl may have 4 guys. Anyway, here's what we've got so far.
The Rolla Commandments (#'s 11-20)
11. Thou Shalt Not Game.
12. Thou Shalt Honor The Almighty Ratio Above All Else.
13. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Woman, For She Must Have Four Other Men To Uphold The Ratio.
14. Thou Shalt Not Take More Than One Woman, Else Thou Shalt Be Cursed.
15. Matt Hammond Be Overrated.
16. Thou Shalt Not Choose Milk, For It Is A Bad Choice.
17. Thou Shalt Not Impede A Man Possessing Alcohol.
18. Thou Shalt Not Disturb An Unconscious Man Taking A Nude Shower.
19. Thou Shalt Get Franked At Every Opportunity.
20. Thou Shalt Utter The Phrase "Fuckin' Larry" At All Times.
There ya go...welcome to our world!
Posted by larry at 08:22 PM | Comments (0)