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November 17, 2004
Gnomes! Angry Gnomes!
Lately, I've been experiencing the supremely irritating phenomenon of gnomish tampering. And yes, before you ask, I do have a *slight* preoccupation with gnomes, resulting from an experience with a frightening midget clown painting my face when I was young. Anyway, I've noticed that certain things are occurring which seem to have no natural explanations (which, by philosophic standards, makes them miracles unless I can find another reason for them, which is exactly what I intend to do).
Although I must entertain the possibility that this Gnomish Horde is in cahoots with the Laundry Gods, I currently believe them to be entirely separate entities. Their existence can be traced back many years, to when the first shoe was invented somewhere in Mesopotamia. There, where a young man with unbearably soft feet decided to attach leather to himself with tendon strings, the first gnomes were created. For, you see, the Gods at the time (not the Laundry Gods, mind you...they came later) decided that if Man were to be protected from the cleverly placed sticks and stones designed to prevent Man from spreading himself throughout all nature, then Man should be forever plagued with a heinous malady...that of "Stones Eternally In His Shoes".
And so it was that, having no feasible way to lodge said stones firmly in Man's shoes, the Gods created the Gnomish Horde to do their bidding. The Gnomish Horde's chief occupation was to be the placing of stones within Man's footwear, wherever it might appear. The Gods, in their infinite wisdom, made the Gnomes both Immortal and Extremely Short to aid in their semi-holy quest. And so the Gnomes have persisted in their duty throughout the ages, occasionally branching out into various economic ventures designed to acquire a large amount of wealth with which to pelt their Archenemies, the inexplicably flamboyant Leprechauns.
The best way to ward off the ill effects of the Gnomes (short of simply not wearing shoes) is to leave many crumbs upon one's floor so that they may feed, become fat and happy, and eventually become so obese that motion becomes impossible without a downhill slope. That said, floors must be kept level to discourage their travel once obese, since most Gnomish Stone Placing takes place in the residences of Man. So for all of you that criticize my floor for being a bit grainy, know that I shall be happily free of the plague known to Man as "Stones Eternally In His Shoes". And aren't you all glad you have me to tell you about these things?
"Who the hell let Petrified Cheese form in the first place?"
Posted by larry at November 17, 2004 06:50 PM
Comments
Could it not possibly be that you leave the crumbs in a shinny round elaborate bowl and not on the floor so then there shall be not crumbs on people’s feet?
Posted by: Hanna at November 19, 2004 09:11 AM
larry!! omg i miss you so much. i wish you were gona be home over turkey break, but oh well. i love you anyway!!! i hope swimming is going well. give me a call sometime when you get the chance. i miss ya! ttyl. adios lorenzo
Posted by: brittany at November 22, 2004 11:37 AM
Your so funny Larry. Why don't you ever talk to me anymore? Is it becuase I hit you? I'm sorry about that. Could I sit with you sometime at lunch? I miss ya!
Posted by: Man Chick at November 29, 2004 06:28 PM
hmmmmmmmmmmm i wouldn't talk to someone who hit me either, let alone spend time with them while they are holding forks and knives, larry if i never see u again, it was nice knowing u
Posted by: Woman Hunk at December 1, 2004 10:28 AM
sure... gnomes... kinda like the time trees were talking to you eh? but whatever, hopefully ill be so wasted over xmas break ill be seeing gnomes too. we gotta get drunk over break, lemme know when ur back.
Posted by: crazy uki at December 11, 2004 02:29 AM