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March 14, 2005
Facebook: The anti-school
Today, I was introduced to the newest addiction of the college population. More destructive than the perscription drug abuse for the use of studying, and more time-consuming than the ever-present life-ruining influence of Hardcore Gaming, this recent addition to the college scene is wreaking havoc on both social lives and GPA's. And this new danger is none other than...Facebook.com.
TheFacebook is the collective brainchild of Mark Zuckerberg, Eduardo Saverin, Dustin Moskovitz, Andrew McCollum, and Chris Hughes. They define TheFacebook as "an online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges and universities." The project seems to be the response to another similar networking program called ConnectU, which has all but fallen into the forgotten cyberspace void of the unpopular dot-coms. The premise is that you can join TheFacebook, enter loads of personal information about yourself, such as where you went to High School, what your major is, and what bizarre interests you have in order to be able to contact friends from high school and people from your college that you may not know. All in all, it's not a bad idea, since many friends that go to different colleges tend to drift apart somewhat, which can be a very unfortunate loss.
The problem with TheFacebook is not in the fact that it encourages college students and high schoolers alike to keep in touch with each other. The problem is something deep-seeded and much more insidious. I believe that, somewhere hidden in the endless lines of program code making up the website, there is something evil that is slowly taking over the youth of America, and potentially the world. That something is an addictive quality that compels teenagers to spend countless hours on the website altering people's "walls" with phrases reminiscent of the trite phraselets scribbled in the yearbook attempting to summarize all of the feelings shared in around three sentences (unless, of course, you were one of those inconsiderate bastards who decided to take up an entire page with your unreadable cursive purple script. If Dante were alive today, I'm convinced you would have your own circle). At least with yearbooks, however, you only got one chance to spill your innermost longings to your friends. On TheFacebook, you can do it as many times in one day as you wish, leading to a ceaseless assault on walls in the everlastingly meaningless quest to be the "last revision," or most recent posting.
The second, even more devious inclusion on TheFacebook is the ability to create and join "Groups" for yourself and your friends. Group titles range from "Beer" and "Your Mom" to the increasingly popular "I went to a public school...bitch!" that has been spawning chapters in every major college network across the nation. Visiting some people's profiles, I was shocked by the sheer volume of groups that some people belonged to. There are some people that have managed to belong to upwards of 50 groups! I don't think there were that many separate activities throughout my entire high school, let alone my college! But even worse is the "My interests" profile section, where one can include every single thing one has ever been even vaguely interested in, from milk bottles to "Yeah Toast," and far, far beyond into the realms of (*Shudders*)...Inside Jokes. Yes, Inside Jokes have terrifyingly found their way into TheFacebook...those quasi-humorous creations that aren't amusing to anyone on the outside (which, by the way, is the majority of the world). It has excalated to the point where, on some profiles, almost 90% of the interest material is incomprehensible to all but a chosen few, although one still feels quite compelled to try anyway.
Another, even more disturbing quality of TheFacebook is the randomly spawned sympathy one feels for the geek at your high school whose pants you stole in gym class as a weekly ritual when he requests to join your friends list. To date, I have not met a single person who has reported the ability to "REJECT" the requests of anyone, even the people they loathed with fiery passion in high school. How is it that TheFacebook has eliminated the barriers felt between cliques in High School, one might be compelled to ask? The answer is rather simple...utilizing detailed lines of code, TheFacebook has rendered all registered users into the same psuedo-human entities with only the desire to have many friends, and belong to many groups. In a very frightening but very real sense, TheFacebook has taken us all back to the first year of middle school, when all that mattered was being popular and well-liked, for which we would be willing to give up even our sacred Zebra Cakes.
I was checking around online, and the most recently updated statistic is that around 1,314,665 people are currently registered with TheFacebook, which is more than the entire population of Maine. Yes, my friends, that is WELL over one million damned souls who have been sucked irreversably into the graphical realm of cyberspace, never to return to the real world. It truly is an addiction, regardless of what the creators will tell you. Just wait, ladies and gentlemen...it's only a matter of time until the addiction of TheFacebook spawns the oldest cure known to social workers: The 12-step program.
So the question remains: is there hope for humanity, now that it has been beset by the evil powers of TheFacebook? I do not know, but the future does not look bright. Every day, more users are pressured into joining TheFacebook, selling their souls to the cyberspace gods in exchange for the few phrases pasted on their "walls" from friends whose names they would not otherwise have remembered. And every day, the dark powers that reside just behind the computer screens in a 4th dimension linked somehow to vacuum sealing cry just a bit louder, knowing that soon, very soon, they shall burst forth and claim all the loyal followers of TheFacebook as their own devoted slaves, promising all the groups and friends anyone could ever hope to contemplate.
In response to these growing powers, we must begin a rebellion of epic proportions! I call each and every person with any humanity yet unsullied by TheFacebook to join me in combating the power it brings with the ultimate weapon in our arsenal: moderation. Do not dedicate your lives to TheFacebook, as it will bring nothing but faceless demonic beings from behind your computer screens! Leave your room, and your Facebook Friends, and seek out new life, and new civilizations (well, not the civilizations...but living, breathing interaction with fellow humanoids is REALLY helpful, I promise). Break free of your chains, and reclaim that heritage which is your birthright! (For those of you who don't quite know what that is, I'll give you a hint. Actually, I'll tell you outright. A SOCIAL LIFE!) Only through the reinstating of human to human contact can we stave off the voracious advances of the Cyberspace Gods...and then, we shall be free, and we will have the ever-elusive secret to life-spanning happiness...SKIN COLOR!
P.S. Swearing fealty to the Laundry Gods doesn't hurt either.
Posted by larry at 08:08 AM | Comments (3)
March 07, 2005
The Apocolypse
Current Mood: Rather quirky
Current Song: Day by Day - Five for Fighting
Current BAC: 0.00%, unless Trident is guilty of false advertising
Current Political Status: Leaning toward the Cthulhu party, actually
Current Location: Dorm Room
Current Pet Peeve: Giant tree branches
Alright...I just thought I'd give that a try. I figured hell, if everyone else with a blog thinks that their readers actually care what they were doing while writing, why not? I hope this has given you some profound insight into the innermost workings of my mind...and that said knowledge has not twisted YOUR mind into something resembling mine.
I was chatting with a fellow English major earlier today, and we got to talking about the Apocolypse (don't even say it...or think it, for that matter. We actually do discuss the eventual destruction of the world, probably because we have to live with Engineers...so remember, when we set loose the Tides of Darkness from the ancient Tome of Pastrami on Rye, it's your fault!). Anyway, I was thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that, centuries in the future, when archaeologists are busily studying our civilization trying to figure out what the hell went wrong, they're going to look at the onset of reality T.V. and say "That's it! That was the first sign of the apocolypse!" In particular, I think the point of no return was the first airing of "The Simple Life" with Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. I truly don't think any society in history can claim so colossal a blunder as that. Screw the burning of Rome, man...we're using electrical warfare without even detonating EMP devices!
In other news, I recently discovered the fact that I have entered the favor of the Laundry Gods. For some reason, they are pleased by the fact that I introduced their legend to the general public, and as such have rewarded me in the most thoughtful of ways. When they take the socks of college students as tribute for their greatness, they no longer hoard them. Instead, they deposit the entirety of their collection into my washing machine load of whites! I became aware of this fact when I returned to the laundry room, anticipating that my whites would have finished. Instead of finishing, the massive overload of socks (and there were pink ones!) in the washing machine managed to unbalance the entire thing and shift it half a foot off of its resting place. So, at least I'll never run out of socks. In fact, I may be able to set up a business selling the long-lost mates to other people's socks...make a tidy little profit. All Hail the Laundry Gods!
Interesting quote of the day: "Man, I'm sick and tired of voting for the lesser evil. Cthulhu for President!" - the unnamed fellow English major.
Posted by larry at 02:06 PM | Comments (7)